Ethan Stanislawski On The Internet

Adult actress and exotic dancer Janine Lindemulder posed for the cover, suggestively donning a blue glove and affecting an expression which ignited the imagination of many a teenage Blink 182 fan. But 1999 was some time ago, and time, as they say, changes everything.

Lindemulder was famously married to Jesse James (yep, that one). The two were engaged in a bitter custody battle over their daughter, Sunny. The 2011 arrest was just one incident in a long line of legal troubles for the actress, who went to prison for tax issues and was accused (by James) of domestic abuse.

What’s my age again? I think we finally have an answer.

jackiekashian:

Marc Maron said a really cool thing in Rolling Stone. This is a scan from Peter D’Amore (from fb), as I do not receive RS. I KNOW… shocking that I get all my musical knowlege so organically I don’t need to get RS. Also cool he likes Bargatze… we spent 14days in Iraq together on that stand up tour a couple years ago. He IS great.

At 6:30 PM, I learned that the inventor of the remote control had died. At 6:35 PM, I determined that this was the ultimate set up for a hack comedy joke. At 7, I set out to write 20 terrible punchlines to that set up. I accomplished this goal by 8:45. At 9:30 pm, I read some of those punchlines on stage. Surprisingly, maybe three got a laugh. Here they are in their entirety.

Set Up:

The inventor of the remote control died today.

Punchlines

1. They could have saved him, but the IV was three feet away.
2. His batteries ran out.
3. No matter how many buttons you add, you can’t escape death.
4. He was to lazy people what Woody Allen is to Jews.
5. He forgot the code to his cable box and hung himself.
6. His ashes consistent of a bunch of detached buttons. *
7. He suffocated between the couch and the back of a fat person.
8. He went to hell because he did to TV what God does to people.
9. His family will keep his first play button on their mantlepiece.
10. This is the saddest thing to happen to TV since everything.
11. TV executives will forever be grateful for making people too lazy to leave the room when commercials come on.
12. Good riddance, says anti-obesity activists.
13. Radio Shack is honoring his memory with a commemorative remote that actually works.
14. In heaven, Steve Jobs yelled “you call that a notable death???”
15. Negligent fathers around the world shed a silent tear.
16. Services were held at the Universalist Church.**
17. I’m sure he’s looking down on us right now, muting us.
18. If your DVR skipped mysteriously this afternoon, it was an omen.
19. 7 days ago he watched The Ring.*
20. His death was seen as a coup for hack comedy writers, all of who will over the course of their lifetime make a fraction of what he made in one year.

*These were crossed out because I deemed them too terrible

**I hate me too right now.

(Source: meiringens)