Hannah: You’re gonna miss school. School is the best time of your life…
Shoshanna: Honestly the only people I hear who say that don’t make any money.
Bill Murray on Gilda Radner:
"Gilda got married and went away. None of us saw her anymore. There was one good thing: Laraine had a party one night, a great party at her house. And I ended up being the disk jockey. She just had forty-fives, and not that many, so you really had to work the music end of it. There was a collection of like the funniest people in the world at this party. Somehow Sam Kinison sticks in my brain. The whole Monty Python group was there, most of us from the show, a lot of other funny people, and Gilda. Gilda showed up and she’d already had cancer and gone into remission and then had it again, I guess. Anyway she was slim. We hadn’t seen her in a long time. And she started doing, “I’ve got to go,” and she was just going to leave, and I was like, “Going to leave?” It felt like she was going to really leave forever.
So we started carrying her around, in a way that we could only do with her. We carried her up and down the stairs, around the house, repeatedly, for a long time, until I was exhausted. Then Danny did it for a while. Then I did it again. We just kept carrying her; we did it in teams. We kept carrying her around, but like upside down, every which way—over your shoulder and under your arm, carrying her like luggage. And that went on for more than an hour—maybe an hour and a half—just carrying her around and saying, “She’s leaving! This could be it! Now come on, this could be the last time we see her. Gilda’s leaving, and remember that she was very sick—hello?”
We worked all aspects of it, but it started with just, “She’s leaving, I don’t know if you’ve said good-bye to her.” And we said good-bye to the same people ten, twenty times, you know.
And because these people were really funny, every person we’d drag her up to would just do like five minutes on her, with Gilda upside down in this sort of tortured position, which she absolutely loved. She was laughing so hard we could have lost her right then and there.
It was just one of the best parties I’ve ever been to in my life. I’ll always remember it. It was the last time I saw her.”
You’re scared of Babish.
Oh, like you’re not.
No, because we are both men of Chicago.
What is it with people from Chicago that they’re so happy to have been born there? I meet so many people who can’t wait to tell me they’re from Chicago and when I meet them, they’re living anywhere but Chicago.
You wouldn’t understand.
My 10 Favorite Open Mic/Bar Show Jokes of 2013
Couple of qualifiers:
- These jokes may have been written and performed before 2013, but this is when I first heard them
- Since this is all from memory, I am mostly likely botching the exact wording, and I apologize in advance to the comics if I have. Feel free to write in to correct me
- I’m very sorry for including only one woman on this list. There are dozens of female comedians funnier than all of the dudes on this list (sorry), but these are just the jokes that stuck with me
- I’m not including any of my jokes, but yeah, in theory, I would be that cocky
Without further ado, in no particular order:
John Oliver, you will be missed.
Jon: Yeah, i thought so. Oh, by the way, sorry about the World Cup.
John: Thanks Jon, you too. You know, i should say now, sorry about all the “Go fuck yourself’s.”
Jon: I know that it must be hard. Especially, given that your team has obviously been playing the game much longer than our team has, and you didn’t get any further than we did. But, i have to say, you must be proud of a team of uh.. disabled people, i thought they did very well. And if they had Rooney.. that would’ve been… and uh.. you’ll get ‘em next year… uh..
Jon: And you know, to see people who just learned to walk play that well, i dont think thats…
John: Jon… Jon, look me straight in the eye, i mean this from the bottom of my heart, go fuck yourself.